Far too often I see couples that have become dependant on each other. So that if one were to leave their whole world would be destroyed and their conditional happiness be compromised. First of all, happiness is not conditional. And secondly, let’s delve into what this really means.
I have broken hearts. I have had my heart broken. Yes of course there is a time of sadness that you go through as your previous attachment has now broken away. But since my last long relationship I have really found myself. Which brings me to my next points of discussion.
+ You need to be whole, to love whole
If you are still in the process of finding yourself but you are forever in a relationship or unable to be alone, you have some work to do. If you do not address your fears, you will forever be filling a void. And the partners you attract will most probably be on the same boat, meaning that you will both probably begin to depend on each other, in turn filling (or seemingly filling) each other’s void. What happens if one leaves? You will be faced with the journey of finding yourself – this may be delayed but it will always be there, until you address it. And as challenging as it is at this point in time it will be the most powerful and rewarding part of your journey that you will ever experience. How can you give all your love to someone if you haven’t yet learnt to completely love yourself? How can someone believe in you if you still do not fully believe in yourself?
+ What you project, you attract
You are only as wise as your current though and subsequent behaviour. If you are still in the mindset of attracting someone based on attributions that feed the ego, sooner or later this destructive cycle will get to you. If you are a deep person who aims to feed the soul, and find a partner that is truthful and understands the importance of building the most important foundations in a relationship, you will build a relationship that is much stronger than any superficial-driven relationship. Are you into someone because of their soul, desires and who they are, or are you into them because of the way they looks/dress/act/what they give you?
+ Are your choices reflective of your values?
If you compromise your values to be with someone for whatever reason, you will be in a state of incongruence. Meaning that over and over you will experience conflict either out loud or within, or you may continue to suppress your values but sooner or later they will arise, and in turn begin to destruct yourself and/or relationship.
+ Is your partner adding to your life?
You may love someone, and someone may love you in return, but I do not believe that this means a relationship is necessarily ‘meant to be’. Let’s take two individuals who live in their own comfort zone – will either of them push themselves, or each other, to ever get out of that cycle and discover/be the greatest version of themselves? Or let’s say one is driven and always striving to develop and push themselves but the other is in a comfort zone, content (or seemingly content) in that zone. The driven individual accepts (or suppresses) that their partner is unlike them. They will continue (will it be at the same accelerated rate?) and the other will, get inspired? Or will one influence the other to slow right down? Think about it.
+ Does everyone need to be with someone?
Society portrays aspects of normality and success as eventually finding a partner and settling down, buying a house, having a family. That is what society expects. Are you a ‘failure’ if you do not follow along this path? Is everyone really meant to get married, have a steady job, kids, and follow that predetermined path? I don’t think so. Some individuals are great on their own. Some may see partners as a distraction (yes, they probably haven’t found the ‘right’ one) but when you know you have a lot to offer you are less likely to settle. Some are not ready (and may never be ready) to have kids – does that make them someone who needs to be pitied? I don’t think so.
We cannot necessarily change what the media projects in their glamourised, fantasied soap opera’s and projections of what love is and love should be, but we can control how we perceive love and what is important to us. Is the love of family and friends not enough? This question will mean different things to different people and there is no one answer. That is the point – we are all different.
+ Settling for less than what you can give
I have incredible friends around me who are single, and yet they are driven, incredible, intelligent, ‘successful’, loving people. Some (myself, included) have in the past, settled for less than what we are worth. And the result was destructive, and a waste of energy and time (well not a complete waste as a lot was learnt from the experiences).
From past experiences I have learnt that there is no point in spending time with someone (in that way) who I cannot see myself with. Energy and values need to be aligned, if they aren’t there is absolutely no point. The less time you have (because you are busy chasing your own goals) the more you realise that the time you make for people needs to be well spent. And those people need to be equal to, or better than the time that you can spend on your own.
Take what you like from this post. Note that all my opinions are subjective (as opinions normally are) – I am sharing my thoughts based on my own experiences and what I see happening around me. It is never too late to find yourself, or get out of a destructive relationship. If you are 40 and single, do not let your energy be consumed by the ‘expectation’ to find someone because you think there is a ticking clock, because the person you attract as a whole will form a much healthier and more powerful relationship than the one you attract in a space where you are still trying to fill a void. Don’t be afraid to walk alone.
Words + Image: Tina Nikolovski